I'm Not Edible
by The Gothic Disney Fanboy
Summary: (Oneshot) When Anna and Kristoff get lost in the woods during a camping trip, they stumble across a hut that is dangerously sweet.


**Hello, my fellow Disney fans! It's me, the Gothic Disney Fanboy. I'm back with my first-ever _Frozen _fanfiction. The storyline is partially based on this theory that I had that the story of Hansel and Gretel takes place in the _Frozen _universe. Hope you enjoy it and don't forget to review!**

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><p><em>Frozen <em>belongs to Disney.

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><p>"Anna, I need you and Kristoff to get firewood for the campfire," Queen Elsa said to her sister Anna. "I also want you two to get some sticks for roasting marshmallows. You know how much I love marshmallows."<p>

"We're on it," Anna said as she and Kristoff walked out of the tent. "And by the way, we know that you love marshmallows. You named a killer snowman Marshmallow."

The mist-shrouded forest outside, called the Pine Forest, had a beautiful appearance. Winding through the area was a cobblestone path, littered with flower petals and leaves. The bushes were quite lovely as well, adding to the forest's florescence. It was here that Queen Elsa, Anna, and Kristoff were camping for eight days during the Royal Thanksgiving Festival.

"Come along, Kristoff," Anna said as she gathered two baskets. "We might as well take a stroll."

The couple wandered throughout the forest, picking up sticks that they found along the path and putting them in their baskets.

"This isn't so bad!" Anna exclaimed.

"That's easy for you to say," Kristoff looked at his girlfriend. "I find this task to be rather boring."

Kristoff and Anna ventured deeper and deeper into the woods. Eventually, they became lost. Even worse, they were hungry since they hadn't eaten any lunch.

"Now what do we do?" Kristoff peered over at Anna.

"Look for food?" Anna suggested.

Kristoff sighed.

"Fine," he said. "I'm as hungry as a reindeer."

Kristoff and Anna held hands as they walked. They came upon a massive clearing where there stood a 14-foot tall square hut, built in the style of the medieval period. Its walls were made of gingerbread. The triangular roof was coated with creamy vanilla icing. Sticking out from both sides of the roof were oversized colorful, swirly lollipops. Some of the lollipops were in the rainbow-swirl variety, while others were twisted into the shapes of unicorn horns.

"It's like my childhood dreams have come true!" Anna clapped her hands together as she jumped up and down in a childish manner.

The couple carefully examined the hut and realized it was only _partially_ constructed from sugary desserts. Protruding from the left side of the roof was a brick chimney. The wooden door was painted white with teal, lavender, and pea-green stripes. On the right side of the hut was a window with iron bars.

"Doesn't it look delightful?" Anna asked Kristoff as she came up to the door. "Let's eat it!"

"Have you lost your mind? We don't know where it's been," Kristoff said. "Besides, wouldn't it be rude of us to simply break off pieces of the house and eat them?"

"I guess so," Anna frowned. "Let's go inside and see if the inhabitants have any firewood."

The couple tiptoed into the hut. Unlike the bright and cheerful exterior, the hut's interior had very little sweetness. The room was cave-like, but with no stalagmites or stalactites. Strung across the ceiling were ring-shaped hard candies. In the middle of the room was a table with two chairs. Spread out on the table were bloodstained plates of broiled human entrails and two cups of blood, alongside a blood-spattered kettle. Next to the table was a tall chopping-block on which sat a bloody dismembered hand, an arm, and a leg. In a corner was a double bed with a patchwork quilt. The right side of the room had a cupboard with silverware and mugs.

The left side of the room contained an enormous brick oven with cast-iron doors. On the right side of the oven were three barrels. The first barrel contained severed arms, legs, and sides of ribcages. The second barrel contained the gory carcasses of butchered adults. The third barrel held small intestines, livers, and kidneys. Anna and Kristoff turned around only to witness another horrific encounter.

"Um, Kristoff?" Anna stammered.

"Yeah?" Kristoff trembled.

"Look behind you," Anna said.

Kristoff turned around. Staring back at him were two demonic dwarfs. Both of them looked like children, but with the body builds of adults. The man was named Hansel and the woman was named Gretel. Both of them had fair skin with dark purple veins visible in their foreheads and arms, garish red eyes, and light blonde hair. Their fingernails resembled cat's claws. Gretel's hair was worn in pigtails. She wore a frock of pink linen that had white floral designs and white lace trimmed around the cuffs of the sleeves. Tied around her waist was a beige apron with white polka-dots. Underneath she wore a pair of white stocks and black leather booties.

Hansel was clad in a white-and-green gingham shirt. Over the shirt he wore lederhosen made of light brown leather. Like his twin sister, accessorizing his outfit were black leather booties and white socks.

The two dwarfs growled at Kristoff and Anna as they advanced toward them. Before Anna and Kristoff could scream, the siblings lunged at them. Then everything went black...

Kristoff struggled as he was forced into a tall silver cage. Covering the top of the cage was a gigantic frayed cloth of light yellow gauze, possibly used to give the prisoner the feeling of being isolated in a dark environment.

"You smell divine," Hansel hissed. "So succulent, tasty...DELICIOUS!"

Hansel gnashed his razor-sharp teeth at Kristoff as he said the last word of this menacing sentence, banging his fist against the side of the cage.

"I'm not edible," Kristoff said.

"Not yet," Hansel wagged his finger at Kristoff.

You see, Hansel and Gretel had magically built the gingerbread hut to lure in unwary princes and princesses. When they went inside, the demonic siblings locked up their prisoners to fatten them. Once they were fattened, the victims were then skinned or dismembered, then roasted in the oven for their meals. Now, Kristoff knew very well that he wasn't a prince, but Hansel and Gretel didn't know this.

Hansel conjured a tray of chicken wings and handed them to Kristoff.

"Eat up, you wretched prince!" he ordered. "I'm going to fatten you up! Plump and juicy!"

Kristoff shook his head. Hansel growled as he ran towards Anna, taking a cleaver out of the side of the chopping-block and holding it close to her neck.

"EAT!" Hansel screeched.

Anna looked at Kristoff. He looked back at her.

_If I don't eat, my girlfriend will die. _Kristoff thought. _I can't let that happen!_

Kristoff picked up two chicken wings and dug into them, chewing rapidly.

"I'm eating, I'm eating!" Kristoff shouted as he feasted on the chicken, tearing into the skin and meat like an untamed dog.

Gretel grabbed Anna by the shoulder and said to her, "I want you to make sure the oven is heated properly. We're just dying to have our latest feast."

Anna looked at Kristoff in his cage as he snacked on the chicken wings. He didn't want him to die. But she had no choice.

"Alright," she pouted. "I'll go check the oven."

Anna strutted to the oven and opened the cast-iron doors. Inside the oven, she saw the yellowish-orange flames leaping. The princess recoiled, looking at Gretel. She knew that the woman intended for her to look into the oven, long enough for Anna to be pushed in and roasted to a crisp. But the clever princess came up with a plan.

"I'm not sure how to check the oven," Anna lied.

"You stupid princess! I'll do it myself," Gretel said. "Hansel, come over here!"

"What is it?" Hansel asked.

"This girl says that she doesn't know how to check the oven," Gretel explained.

Hansel walked over to the oven. He and Gretel bent over into the mouth, dazzled by the blazing inferno before them. It reminded them of Hell and sinners being tortured by devils.

Meanwhile, Kristoff managed to burst out of his cage and run to Anna's aid. Together, with a might shove, they pushed Hansel and Gretel into the oven. They slammed the doors shut, covering their ears as the demons screamed in pure agony.

"Thanks for saving my life," Anna said to Kristoff.

"No problem," Kristoff said.

Kristoff placed his lips upon Anna's and held his hands around her waist. They smooched for 13 minutes. After their romantic kiss, they gathered firewood near the oven and hurried out of the hut as fast as they could.


End file.
